they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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