Banned from zoo.
Again?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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