when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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