Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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