Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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