I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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