I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
