Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Is it because I queefed?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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