Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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