My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
