Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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