My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
