Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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