Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
