oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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