What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
