My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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