If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
