How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
