my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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