Can i not drive my cunt home
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
