3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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