I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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