Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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