I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
