There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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