Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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