i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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