i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
