so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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