Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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