Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
