I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
