I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
