So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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