WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
