dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If that was your dad, he is hot
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
