I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
