dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
