I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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