How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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