you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I deserve this hangover.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
