I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
