I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
