i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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