Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
