his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
