I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
