she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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