We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
