If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
