You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
