we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
